How I started taming my workaholic tendencies
After my first visit to the farm, I quickly invited myself back. “I’m coming there without my kids,” I told him.
When I got there, he made me hamburger that was shaped a little too much like how it might have looked in the cow’s body, and then he asked me what I wanted.
“I want this to be a date,” I said.
“And then what do you want?”
“Well. I don’t know. I guess we kiss. That’s what you do on a date.”
The farmer laughed. And he asked me if I thought I could live on a farm.
I said no. I said I was thinking this would be a summer fling.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that he is not the summer fling type.
I sat across from him at his kitchen table thinking that he is so simple and stupid for thinking I could be serious about him.
After dinner we walked through his fields, over his creek, and next to his hay, and an hour later I thought that I am so simple and stupid for thinking that just because he is a farmer, I am not serious.
So I went back to the farm three times in one week to negotiate how a date might work. Each time I felt like I was crazy. What am I doing with a farmer? I am already sometimes sleeping only four hours a night. There is no room in my life for anything but kids and work.
The next time I was there, it was time to put the chickens back in the house or pen or whatever it is that they live in. I noticed that the farmer sort of encourages them to go to the house, but really, they could get away at any time. But they go back to the house because he gives them everything they could want there.
One hen will not come in. The farmer waits. He negotiates. Then he walks away. He says the hen is not ready. I worry out loud that she will be eaten by coyotes. He says she will decide to go in before that happens, and he’ll be there. He says it’s timing.
The timing is what gets me, though. This is not a good time in my life to fall for a farmer. Of all the things to invest my time in, this is not one of them. It’s not something that will work out. So moments of doubt turn into time-management panic.
Like, at the end of our second date, the farmer walked me to my car, which was on his front lawn, and he kissed me goodnight. I got in the car and looked behind me, and somehow, in the span of seconds between going from the car back to the house, he started peeing. On the front lawn.
I got out of the car.
“Are you kidding me?!!? Are you peeing on your front lawn? Are you nuts?”
“This is normal.”
“No. This is not normal!”
He laughs.
I laugh.
But I am not sure we are laughing for the same reasons.
“On the farm you pee outside if you’re outside and you pee inside if you’re inside.”
I tell him this is a huge cultural gap and we have a huge problem.
I come back the next day even though the more things are weird with the farmer the more I worry that I am making a poor time management decision by spending time with him.
The next day, he is very tired. He woke up at 4 a.m. because he heard thunder and he knew that the mother who has new twin calves would lose one in the rain. He went out and found the lost one and brought it back to the mom.
He tells me this story while we sit on the sofa on his porch. This is where we do everything. I hope we will make out on the sofa. But he is tired. And I am scared of being rebuffed, so we talk.
“How much would it cost you to lose a calf?”
“About $200.”
“You do all that work for months and months just for $200?”
“It’s not that much work every day for one calf. This is an exception. But bringing the calf back to its mother is not about the money. It’s about taking care of the animal.”
You can see where this is headed, right? We have this conversation 500 times.
Here’s another version, different day, same porch:
“I can’t move to the farm because I have so much more money than you do. I will get into the same situation with my last marriage. I will have all the power and it will be terrible.”
“I don’t think you have more money. I have more money. ”
“You made $15,000 last year. And it was a good year. I made $15,000 for one speech just last week.”
“You make a lot of money, but you spend it. You’re in debt.”
“It’s about cash flow. I have a lot coming in. I could have a lot. If I decided to be good with money.”
“My land is worth $2 million.”
“Really!??! That’s so exciting!”
“I’d never sell it. The land means way more to me than the money. And it’s ridiculous that you spend $200 on a pair of jeans.”
So I do this drive, this three-hour drive, again and again to see the farmer. Because I feel like I am understanding myself better and better as I go farther and farther from where I think I belong. Until I find myself in a tornado, ignoring his phone calls to tell me that a tornado is too dangerous and I should stay home.
I read that people do totally crazy things when they are in love, but how do you explain me driving to the farm in a tornado to negotiate something that is not a summer fling while we sort of start having a summer fling? If I can’t count it toward being in love, then does it just count toward losing my mind?
But I don’t think I’m losing my mind. For example, I know it’s the farmer’s understanding that my children matter most that makes him hard to regard as just a summer fling.
One of the times I had the kids with me, I spent most of my time worrying that they would get into trouble, while the farmer did things like help them climb up onto hay scrunched up into sushi-shaped rolls that were too large for the kids to get down from. And then he said, “Thank you for yelling at the kids for stepping on the corn so I could focus on just having fun on the farm with them.”
For a while the farmer was very careful about the kids only coming on days he could be around, because of things like the electric fence, which he has memories of as a kid that include falling on it while riding a bicycle and getting shocked fifty times.
But then I got an email from him that said, “You are welcome at my house with the boys. I trust your judgment and I think you know most of the dangers. But remind me to take the gun out of the house.”
I never thought I’d get an email about a gun that was so touching.
So I cut back on work. But I still did an interview with a teacher’s publication while sitting on the farmer’s front porch. He laid down next to me with his arm on my leg. He said he likes hearing me work but he also likes that I don’t bring the Blackberry when I go to his fields.
“There’s reception in the field?”
“Yeah. Other people bring it there when they visit.”
I don’t tell him that I would have brought it if I’d have known. Because I don’t want to be that person. But it’s so scary that this might go on too long and be squandered time.
I snuggle up next to him on the porch and I tell him that he makes me nervous because I’m risking so much for him.
He says, “What exactly are you risking?” And he points out that he has agreed to allow his very private life to be the subject of very public blog posts, which makes him nervous.
I am silent. I feel awkward because I’m supposed to be the queen of work life balance. But I tell him that cutting back on work seems like a huge risk to me.
I know that people who are workaholics are scared of two things: Not being great at work, and having to face an empty personal life. And I’m worried about both. It’s so hard to cut back on work that I adore to see a guy who is a complete wild card in my life. But I see now that the farmer doesn’t need to be THE ONE. And there’s value for me to just stop working so hard. That’s the first step. I’m just lucky I found someone who makes me want to try that.
Why do I hear the theme song to Green Acres playing in my head?
I don’t want to discount the fact that you sound like you found someone you really like (WHY you like him is a different conversation), but I think it’s worth considering that you might want to just slow down a bit. It hasn’t been that long since the divorce, maybe you just want to slow down and give your kids some extra attention and concentrate on recuperating emotionally and psychologically after what must have been a stressful ordeal, instead of jumping right back into the whole man-hunt. Can’t be healthy.
I’m absolutley captivated by this post. And what appears to be going on with you and the Farmer.
Maybe Ed (above) is right. I have no way of knowing. But what little I do know makes me think that you have found precisely the right person for you. And for your kids.
I’m really rooting for this to work out.
You belittle yourself and him when you use the word ‘Stupid’.
Separate money from success and you will free your soul to happiness.
Do as I say, not as I do huh Ed? Look, this is not a personal blast or flame or what ever its called online now a days. But how do you know what she has been through and/or enough to know that she isn’t ready? You are asking her to assess her feelings and emotional condition but yet you don’t know much less look to find out how she feels. You are simply coming across to me as pessimistic and cynical.
No one will know how this will work out so spare yourself your time. NO one. Not even Penelope.
Slowing down, speeding up, etc. Thats just game playing. Don’t play games. For as long as you are not a teenager, a young adult or come from an abusive family – then you are more than trustworthy to go with the flow. Some people move fast because they want to cut through the nonsense while others want to take their time and be cautious.
But beware! Both run the risk of spoiling a potentially good thing. This is where the “flow” becomes truly important.
Good luck!
You deserve happiness Penelope. I wish you the best.
Congrats, P. I hear Matt McConahey also pees outside; it’s probably more common than we think.
A few things:
* First, PLEASE, please, please publish more fiction. You are way too talented to deprive the world of that part of yourself. And your non-linear narratives: brilliant–more so than I think even you allow yourself to believe. The allegory of the hen returning to the comfort of the roost in her own time–sublime.
* The brazen career insight at the end, on workaholics’ fears, was insightful and spot on. (I am a much better manager and person because of unflinchingly forthright posts like this one and the one on being late [3/11/2004] which has been a problem that has plagued everyone in my father’s family for 3 generations.)
* And finally, if the farmer is truly as wonderful as you portray him to be and his lovin’ is as great as his emotional maturity, don’t let fear and self-doubt cause you to miss out on the opportunity for long-term rejoicing. Go for it.
I’m a huge fan of your blog. I discovered it after reading the article that featured you in the New York Times. Anyways, I find myself in a similar situation. I’m dating someone who makes less than $20,000 a year, I make more money than him, he’s not in debt, but I am, he doesn’t feel he needs to make or spend a lot of money, he’s perfectly happy as is and doesn’t care to try making more money, and if he had land worth $2 million, I’m sure he would say it means to much to sell it also.
We live in northern WI (I graduated from UW-Madison and miss Madison terribly, but that’s another story), so it’s possible to live a decent life on his small salary and my writer’s salary. For the first year or two, I truely admired how he just loved his life and didn’t worry about money or material things. He was content.
However, after four years, I don’t know if I can do it anymore. Our differences have taken their toll. I still want to go to nice restaurants every once in a while, see movies, travel, etc. Nothing lavious, just simple pleasures here and there (nice restaurants up here only cost $50 or less for a dinner for two). However, if I want to do any of those things, I have to pay b/c he doesn’t want to spend that much money, and he doesn’t have that money to spend anyways. And then I think if we have kids in the future, I’ll be the one paying for almost everything, and I’ll get really frustrated with that. I can’t save up any money b/c I have to spend it to do the things I want to do, and I don’t live a luxurious or materialistic life at all. I see my other friends who have spouses who make more money, and they have less stress and can really just enjoy life. I find myself constantly stressed about finances and sadly, I blame him for them and resent him for it a lot of the time.
I constantly tell myself, relationships are not about money. I love him, he loves me, that’s all that matters. But, I’m starting to realize there’s so much more than that. He’s content living paycheck to paycheck. And he loves what he’s doing and where he lives, he’d never ever consider leaving. However, I may want to live somewhere else someday, who knows what the future will bring. But, if I stay with him, I know exactly how my future will be. We will be exactly where we are now, and we’ll be having the same financial struggles b/c he will never make more money.
I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I’m just saying that yes, at first it is wonderful to meet someone like that, and it makes you see life in a different way and makes you appreciate simplicity. However, I’m an educated, driven, ambitious woman and to be with someone like that has proven very, very difficult in the long run.
Maybe things will be different for you two. I sure hope so. I just thought I’d let you know my experience in case it might help.
I look forward to reading more about your relationship and seeing if your experience may be able to help me as well.
Granted, you’re a great writer. But he sounds positively wonderful. And he’s right about those $200 jeans.
Ugh, I’m such a female. I teared up reading your post this morning. I, too, am with a farm boy. And I too am struggling with him screwing up my very rigorous routine. Since we started dating I have gained 5 lbs, gotten out of training shape, and went TWO WEEKS without posting a blog (OK, I was sick, but STILL).
I was so unbelievably scared as I fell in love with him. This SO was not part of the plan, and it really wasn’t a good time. I had way too much to do, important things, great big things! My sister stopped me in my tracks as I contemplated pulling the plug before things went too far. She said, “Holly, I passed up a lot of great guys in my 20s because I thought I wasn’t ready. Now look at me.” At 31, she’s decided she’s ready, and guess what? She can’t find anybody.
At any rate, I decided to simply let go. I believe in something bigger than myself, and that whatever it is wants me to be happy, joyous and free. I surrendered to life and to love, whatever the consequences. You simply can’t go through life being afraid.
This isn’t a dress rehearsal, P. This is what we’ve got. Grab it, embrace it, and if it all goes to hell, you’ll fix it.
Oh, and my ex once peed on the Petrified Forest. Men are men.
IMHO, there is always a unique fascination when worlds collide! Why would anyone want to inhabit the world other than the one I know? If nothing else, this is a unique learning experience.
You are enjoying yourself. You are finding a new work/life balance. This is a formative experience. Enjoy happiness when it comes calling. Making a connection with someone is important whether or not he becomes THE ONE. Stay in the moment and quit trying to look ahead. I hate to say “what will be will be”, because it sounds trite, but it’s true. It is not only possible but advisable to just enjoy yourself once in a while!
Thank you for the post.
It made me think of something my sister-in-law and writing partner said: “We all need, at the very least, a lighthouse."
I’m in LOVE with him already. I gotta get a shirt that says “Team Farmer” so I can be official. Even if it doesn’t work out, the meaning will go far beyond the person…
Kind of reminds me of a quote from Carrie (SATC). “I admit it’s tempting to wish for the perfect boss, or the perfect parent, or the perfect outfit, but maybe the best any of us can do is not quit. Play the hand we’ve been given, and accessorize the outfit we’ve got”…Good luck P!
This has all the makings of a Kevin Costner movie.
I think it’s telling that people are already suggesting that you “slow down”. *rolls eyes* As if anyone has a claim on the best advice for relationships. This is one of my massive peeves, as evidenced by my blog post about it.
P – I love hearing about this. I think we get addicted to work because we have (seemingly) more control over it.
He doesn’t have to be the one, but he should be the one for the rest of your life. For the sake of your kids, do not think this guy will “be good enough for now”.
Thanks again for sharing the “real deal” on how life and work HAVE to be team players. No other blog covers this topic with such honesty, and wit!
BTW, I WISH I could pee outside…but that goes back 15 years to being trapped on the highway in the middle of a blizzard, and watching all the guys walking to the side of the road, and let fly. I had to pee in a pringles can in the back of the car (while my boyfriend laughed)!
Stop playing games with this guy. He sounds a very decent fellow, and if you’re not willing to be honest with him about who you are (“I didn’t tell him … because I didn’t want to be ….), then you are doing BOTH of you a disservice.
AND your kids. Kids don’t understand “summer fling.” Kids understand, “Dad’s not with us so much anymore now, and here’s this nice guy who spent so much time with us last summer but now he’s gone … what’s wrong with us that these men don’t hang around?”
You’re dealing with a recent divorce. Your emotions are nuts, you’re lonely, you’re starved for affection, etc. You don’t NEED a summer fling. You need to step back, slow down, and develop a friendship. Maybe it will progress beyond that; maybe not. But you’re flying down the freeway, and you’d better put the brakes on. Especially since he seems to have made it clear that he isn’t “the summer fling type.”
Oh, and the French are very fond of “le pipi rustique.” It might have been more appropriate to wait until you were out of sight, and most folks I know who indulge in “le pipi” do it a bit more privately, but it’s not abnormal. If you’d been in suburbia, yeah, weird. But not on a farm.
Aside from this being a hugely sweet and interesting story, I can’t help but see how it illustrates the principle of where your treasure is, that’s where your heart is, too.
So thanks for opening up your horizons and negotiating – probably mostly with yourself – about what is is that you value most, and for telling that story. Because it’s a more common story than you’d think. I’m thinking of everyone who writes and talks and struggles with what we have so interestingly dubbed “work/life balance.”
The term itself is such a misnomer, to me, because people who are worried about work/life balance are people who are prone to be workaholics, not those who place more value on the life side of the equation than the work one.
You don’t read work/life balance stories about people who have too much “life” struggling to be happy and satisfied, do you? I mean, I never have….
So to me, it’s such a revolutionary thing going on when careerists stop saying, “how can I squeeze more life into my schedule?,” “how can I make time for my kids and still put in 60 hour weeks?” (the answer, it seems to me, is to sleep only four or five hours a night, and I am just getting plain worn out by that) and start asking, what do I really want to value most, and can I become the sort of person who puts that first, even if it means putting less time into my career? And can I realize that is not a devastating but rather an exciting proposition… because I can maybe put less time into the career side… and still be successful at it.
Life is short – have some fun.
Enjoy this courting period – for not matter what happens next, its is the sweetest part. Throwing questions out there and not needing answers is a luxury you only get early on. Savor it.
By the way – my dad is a “poor” farmern and has a net worth most i-bankers only dream about. He and my mom are paying cash to build a 5000 square foot home on their farm, so be careful about your income assumptions. Just because your farmer says he make $15k last year does not mean he doesn’t have wealth – all farming expenses are tax deductions. My father would always buy a $100k piece of farm equipment or build a new building when he was having a good year to control his tax burden.
Sorry about all of the typos in the previous entry – commenting at work is always a bad idea.
Hi Penelope,
Just wanted to say I entirely agree about the stress of new relationships. If we allow ourselves to work less/write less, there is that constant wonder about if the trade off is worth it, that we might be wasting our time with this person. I get that same anxiety and I wonder if it happens to everyone or just writers.
I say this only because writers have to be self motivated and minimize distractions. Romance is a distraction of the creative sort, that in some ways, can make us feel mentally drained afterwards. It’s really a conundrum. On the other hand if I am mad at a lover I can write for days and days.
The money issue. Your farmer made some pretty good points. Obviously you are cautious about money and its connection to power. But was it really that you made more money than your ex, that you both were conscious of it and used it as relationship currency, or that he didn’t agree with your spending habits??? I have to ask if you are still in counseling post break-up because you have already pinpointed some individual hangups you have with money and love that you need to hash out.
Don’t worry about the peeing. It’s a guy thing. I work in construction and supervise between 40 and 50 men daily. Every week in our toolbox safety meetings, I have remind them where they can and can’t pee.
I was also in the Army and had the same issue. I’m convinced it’s just a Mars/Venus thing and move on.
I figure as long as he’s not peeing in public places, ignore it. It’s certainly not a show-stopper in the grand scheme of life.
Kat is right. Opposites attract, then they drive each other crazy. Extreme savers are not compatible with extreme spenders. Do anybody not know this?
Hey, just heard you on WNYC. I’m not so interested in the fact that you are or are not an asshole, but rather that your project of apparent techno-utopianism and work-glorification are simply naiive and bad politics. Have you ever even glanced at Marx? Intensification and extensification of the work day? Surplus value? Is there really so much pride in slavery? Read some Caffentzis, some Hardt/Negri, some Klein. The current crises (financial, energy, ecological…) are coming straight out of the ideologies you tacitly espouse.
Hi there,
First of all, unlike Jesse, who wrote nothing about you and volumes about him(her)self, I think it’s great that you’re using this forum to process through your life.
I picked up on your blog a few months ago, and subscribed because of one comment: that you’d gone to your therapist to explore your role in the failure of your marriage. I’ve been a psychotherapist for 25 years, and I’ve only had that request a few times. Most people simply blame their ex, move on, and repeat the same blunders in the next rel.
Anyway, I’m in year 22 of my THIRD marriage, so early on I was a bit think relationships wise.
I mention this because of my curiosity – I’m wondering if you’ve established criteria for a new relationship, or whether you’ve “stumbled” into this one. All of us have several principles that are, for us, essential. Getting involved with someone is on the opposite side of one of those key parameters is a recipe for endlessly trying either to “fix” one’s partner, or (once the romance wears off..) the realization that your partner dos not “get you, and never will.
It’s not about right or wrong – it’s about balance and harmonious purpose.
I wrote a booklet for my clients about all of this, (among other booklets…) and last year turned it into a book, simply because I saw people walking into relationships blindly, transfixed by Hollywood hype that somehow magic will happen and “we’ll live happily ever after.”
I’d be glad to send you a copy of the pdf – you’ve got my e-mail.
Again, thanks for being willing to be so open and tentative.
I can’t believe you fell for the farmer.
Penelope, This was your best post in a long time. Your willingness to be so open about your personal life is why I began to read your blog over a year ago.
You summed it up beautifully in the end. This may not amount to a relationship, but it’s definitly a learning experience. Good for you! :)
you’re sure that you are not just HIS summer fling? Farming is totally seasonal, you know…a time to reap and a time to sow.
hey did you know that’s jason mraz’s nickname? and he’s an avocado farmer!
Penenlope,
I’m happy for you to be feeling some joy finally.
Maybe you could think of things in terms of currency, instead of money?
You have one kind of currency (money) that that you value. And the farmer offers another kind of currency, which also has value.
Love, respect, compassion, and affection are all important currencies.
In my experience, when those are lacking in my primary relationship, I seem to place more emphasis on money.
When I feel like my partner loves and respects me, has compassion for my faults, and provides me with loads of affection, I don’t seem to care how much money he has.
Wow. I have no idea where to begin. What does this have to do with taming workaholic tendencies? This is just about some dude you are dating.
Since we’re now starting to talk of narratives and fiction, I’d be curious to hear how reliable I should consider the narrator.
Is the narrator/”Penelope” truly an accurate depiction of your thoughts and feelings? Or is “Penelope” yet another mask, another narrative device?
At first I thought this was a little too much info about your personal trevails, but I like how you worked in the work/life balance issue for workaholics.
But…
“You belittle yourself and him when you use the word – Stupid'” Truth! And “kids don’t understand ‘summer fling'” – keep them out of it unless you’re prepared to deal with the fallout. It’s the kid part that’s moving too fast – you’re a grown woman and know what you’re doing. They don’t have a clue.
Ever heard of The Pioneer Woman, Penelope?
City girl meets farmer, has kids, lives on farm, writes a blog, is a HUGE, HUGE success…
the way she’s integrated sponsored posts and contests into her site is amazing. No questions ask about transparency from her readers…she’s got a bonafide business on her hands, that woman.
http://thepioneerwoman.com/
You can’t control how anything turns out, of course. You can try to have a good time. Today.
What’s that saying? Man plans. God laughs.
I didn’t think I could hate this blog anymore than I did. But after this post, I do.
This is not really a comment to the post, I just feel like I want to respond to this.
Penelope, you are completely nuts. In a brutally honest, vulnerable, and extremely common kind of way.
Do you write chick lit? Have you considered it? You’ll be awesome; wait, you are already awesome… And we’ll get a “sex and the city” kind of bestseller that women can really relate to.
Hey, the farmer makes as much a year as I do!
Farmers in general realize that there is only so much in life that they can control since they are at the mercy of the weather. This in contrast to us workaholics who seek to gain control of our lives by working all the time.
No one should date you until you change.
What a beautiful beginning…
It sounds like you really lack peaceful surroundings in your day-to-day life. Let him be your peace. And don’t feel guilty about it.
And with all of your narcissistic tendencies and pretend sophistication this (fictitious) farmer cares about you? Of course not. You wouldn’t care.
Nice try. I think you should give-up on the romance novel, Sex and The City, writing. Pure desperation in the world of attracting internet audiences.
Now, time to piss off the back deck.
Hello Penelope,
I think this blogpost was very interesting. Where you talk about the cultural gaps. I am quite interested in enviromental issues. They also turn into economic issues as well.
Where he says, “You make a lot of money, but you spend it. You're in debt.” I keep wondering about this idea. This economy where we live in is all about spending money. Using things, and then throwing it away when they don’t work. To buy new stuff. In the end we HAVE to work, to sustain this kind of lifestyle and the environment has to take the blow.
I keep wondering about a economy where that wouldn’t be neccessary. We don’t really need to spend money to be happy, we are allowed to cut back from the work. I guess you in one way discover that when you go to that farmer.
I remember where you wrote a blogpost about deciding what to bring into the house, deciding if what you are about to buy is important or not. That is one step to a more sustainable world. It touched me.
I really hope that you’ll continue talking to this farmer of yours. I hope that it will turn out good. He seems to have a good heart. I wish you the best.
Yep–there it is–the post about the farmer who pees outside! LOVE IT!
Inspired as I read this. Inspired to take a break from work. I need to find a place in good ol’ CA where I can ‘get away’ for a while. Anyone know a place that has horrible cell reception? =)
Really excited for you. It’s apparent that you like the Farmer, both through this post and in person. Enjoy it for what’s it worth. My encouragement–don’t worry so much about the future. Making plans and goals for the relationship means putting it into a box. What happens when it doesn’t turn out as you’d hoped/planned? I don’t mean having the relationship end, but what about if you think he should move to the city and that doesn’t happen.
Just enjoy it. Be careful of the attachment from the kids. Believe in yourself that you’ll make the best choice for you and the boys. You seem to be doing well so far. ;) Thanks for the super honest post into your personal life.
::hugs::
K
first of, nice post. interesting read overall.
second.. its good to know that he at least agreed to all this.. I mean.. some men won’t like you posting about private stuff like peeing outside his house for the whole audience of millions or so to read. that make’s him a good sport.. :D
third. isn’t that Nino your ex-husband? he commented again eh? hahah good to know at least he tries to keep updated with what’s going on on your side of the fence.
fourth.. good luck with that farming thing. Farming isn’t my stuff too, but I do like hanging around greeneries once in a while. it’s a good way to relax and try and forget office work tensions and sh*ts.
You’re the best, Penelope!
I think this is my favorite post from you. Thanks for sharing it with us!